Why Supporting Your Spouse’s Goals Is Good for Your Marriage

Ilustration of a woman dreaming about all the things she wants to do
Danny Allison

After I finished my doctorate, my wife, Erin, decided to earn a master's degree in clinical psychology. I was teaching at her school, and the president asked if I wanted to present her diploma during the graduation ceremony. I told Erin about the plan, and she loved it.

"However," I explained, "when I hand you the diploma, instead of shaking your hand, I'm going to kiss you."

On graduation day, I handed her the diploma and planted the most epic kiss right on her lips. The crowd literally gasped and seemed so shocked that the president, who was presiding over the ceremonies, said, "Relax! That's her husband."

The desire of your heart

God has placed passions in your spouse's heart — like Erin's dream of earning a master's degree. First Samuel 14 describes a time when God placed a powerful desire within Jonathan: to attack a Philistine outpost with his young armor-bearer. I can only imagine the fear that the armor-bearer must have felt as Jonathan ordered him to start climbing a cliff so the two of them could attack a Philistine garrison. But his response was amazing — and it's exactly how I want to act toward Erin's dreams. "His armor-bearer said to him, ‘Do all that is in your heart. Do as you wish. Behold, I am with you heart and soul' " (1 Samuel 14:7).

I tried to be like the young armor-bearer when I encouraged Erin's dream of getting a master's degree. But being with her "heart and soul" meant more than just verbal and financial support. I arranged to work from home one day a week and made a commitment of my time. Erin worked three years to finish her thesis and clinical hours.

Reaching goals together

To help your spouse achieve his or her dreams, you might have to give up some of your priorities or even step out of your comfort zone. But before you can support your spouse's dreams, you have to find out what those dreams are. One easy way of doing that is to ask about your spouse's bucket list — things he or she wants to do before dying.

I love discovering Erin's desires so that I can become her dream maker. She wants to earn a doctorate, skydive, visit the Holy Land and hit 50 years of marriage.

How might you be like the young armor-bearer in regard to your spouse's dreams?

Dr. Greg Smalley is the vice president of Marriage and Family formation at Focus on the Family.

How strong is your marriage? Find out today with the Focus on Marriage Assessment. This reliable assessment is based on the research and experience of Focus on the Family's marriage experts Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley. Take this free assessment now.

This article first appeared in the February/March 2019 issue of Focus on the Family magazine and was originally titled "Dream Team." If you enjoyed this article, read more like it in Focus on the Family's marriage and parenting magazine. Get this publication delivered to your home by subscribing to it for a gift of any amount.
© 2019 Focus on the Family. All rights reserved.

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